《55 Successful Harvard Law School Essays》精读系列 5：描写他人的个人陈述

律政留学

关于《55 Successful Harvard Law School Essays》精读系列的介绍可参考：《55 Successful Harvard Law School Essays》精读系列 1：移民申请者。在我们的理解中，个人陈述在于展现自己，而这篇PS则花了一半的篇幅写自己的朋友，如此另类的PS如何出挑？让我们一起来看一看这篇PS和三位老师的评论。

PS

BRENDEN MILLSTEIN

Let me tell you about my friend Jake, the trumpet player. He hung out with the wrong kids. He was caught drinking on campus and was suspended. Then he was caught smoking pot on campus and was suspended. He was arrested for robbery and thrown in juvenile hall my sophomore year. All the parents in the Jazz Ensemble signed a letter of support and faith in Jake and sent the letter to the judge. Jake was let out of juvenile hall, under the mandate that he was to stay in Ensemble. Within a week, he got into a fight. Some of his teeth were knocked out. It was the best thing that ever happened to him. He couldn’t play trumpet for weeks and realized that something in his life had to change. He started hanging out with new friends and rearranged his life. He was back in the Ensemble in a few weeks. The next year I saw him prevent fights, and break up fights after they had begun. Now he goes to Cal State San Jose, where he has had no disciplinary problems.

Let me tell you about my friend Ted. He has no parents and is being raised by his single grandmother. He won the Yamaha National Drum Competition against college students when he was nine years old. One day he did not come to Ensemble. The day before, the gang he hung out with was the target of a drive-by shooting. He hid beneath a car. He was too afraid to come to school the next day. He stopped hanging out with the gang. When he was a sophomore in high school, he was awarded a full scholarship to Berklee College of Music. Now he attends Berklee when he is not on tour.

Let me tell you about my friend Joe, the drummer. He lived in Concord and every day commuted fifty minutes each way to Berkeley High, so he could play drums in the Jazz Ensemble. His drum set was stolen. His family started saving money to buy another drum set. Then his house burned down. Now he lives in Oakland, another long commute, and does not own a drum set. His junior year, he won a full scholarship to Berklee College of Music. He is the drummer on the CD I produced; he played on a borrowed set of drums.

Let me tell you about my friend Tony. He was arrested for defacing public property his sophomore year. He was held in juvenile hall for two days. Several weeks later, he escaped the police by jumping a fence topped with barbed wire. He cut his hands and could not play trumpet for three weeks. This was a turning point for him. Now he avoids all hard drugs and paints in a sketchbook. He does not fail classes anymore. He practices several hours a day and has a direction to his life.

What has Ensemble meant to me? Every day in Ensemble, I work with Ted, Joe, Jake, and Tony. And I work with everyone else in the band. After four years in the band, I have become friends with all of them. Through them I have seen many different sides of life. What has this experience meant to me? It has changed the way I look at life. I no longer take anything for granted. Every day in Ensemble I am reminded that I am lucky, not because my parents are together, but because I have parents at all. Every day I am reminded that I am lucky because I have never had to worry about getting shot while hanging out with my friends. Every day I am reminded that I am lucky because I don’t have to worry about having enough to eat. I love life. I love life no matter what, because I see every day how much worse it could be. But I also see joy in the musicians’ lives. All of us love music. And when we play, everyone’s troubles are forgotten. Or if not forgotten, expressed, and so released through the music. When the Ensemble plays, our various backgrounds combine to form an incredible mosaic of music. And I love it. And everyone else in the band loves it. And most people listening love it too, for whether or not they understand the music, they can feel the energy. And for a few moments, everyone is truly, genuinely happy. What has playing in the Ensemble meant to me? It has shown me a release from sorrow, from anger, from fear. It has shown me a bonding of people and of cultures. It has shown me that it is an insult to others to take anything for granted. It has shown me how to express myself in a way that can be understood by musicians anywhere. It has shown me how to work with people and, more important, how to become friends with them. It has given me a window into other cultures, other backgrounds, and other lives, and it has given me a window into myself.

Ensemble has also given me a way to help. I organize and lead a quartet: drums, bass, piano, and me, sax. We get gigs around the Bay Area, $300 to $500 per gig. All our earnings go to the Ensemble scholarship fund. The fund is for instruments, lessons, and tour costs. The Ensemble has an “all-or-nothing” policy for tours—everyone goes or nobody goes. Many of the musicians cannot afford to pay any tour costs, and most cannot afford to pay all of the costs. My combo raises thousands of dollars for the fund. It feels good to play with members of the Ensemble, and it feels good when my combo gets paid and a new trombone appears in class the next week.

点评

William C. Marra, The Harvard Crimson

Brenden has written a wonderful essay here, thanks to a fantastic writing style that allows him to make the most of a very compelling story. Repetition is at the core of this essay, especially the formulation “Let me tell you about my friend.” This writing device gives the reader a sense that his friends’ difficulties are everywhere in Brenden’s life— everyone has them, and they are all part of the same system. Meanwhile, the short sentences Brenden uses when describing their hardships lend a sense of inevitability to their troubles. There is no attempt to rationalize what has happened—it just is. Notice also that Brenden structures his essay into three separate parts. Normally you do not want to segment your essay into too many parts, but with this particular essay it works well, as each part serves a distinct function in the essay.

This essay is unique because its focus is not on the author. Brenden does not talk about himself, but others, and he comes in only insofar as he is friends with these people. In a stack of essays filled with students talking about their accomplishments and strengths, Brenden’s will stand out as written by a humble man who understands that he has much to learn from others, even those nearer to the bottom of the social ladder. If you plan to write about some obstacle you have overcome or difficult circumstance you have had to deal with, consider approaching the essay by focusing on the other people who shared those circumstances, and then bringing yourself in at the end.

David Atnip, 律政留学外籍主管

We expect a “personal” statement to tell the writer’s own story. This creative essay stands out as a PS because of the unique perspective. The writer is not the focus; Brenden Millstein does not tell his story. We learn about Mr. Millstein, indirectly, through the observations he chooses to share with us about the people around him. This style presents a difficult challenge for a writer creating a PS. While it works well for Mr. Millstein, most writers attempting this style will struggle to make it work.

Missing from this PS is a reference to why Mr. Millstein chooses legal study and what he wants to do with this law degree. Most writers will want to provide some details of “why law” for the admissions reader.

Aaron, 律政留学上海办公室负责人

首先这篇成功录取的PS回答了一个我亲自带的学生问我的问题，因为在我为她写的PS中出现了“you can only imagine”的表述，她很疑惑是否可以在PS中用第二人称，从本PS中我们不难看出，至少录取委员会是不排斥第二人称的。其次，我和David一致认为该PS剑走偏锋，风险极大，不值得广泛讨论学习。但是，如果你的硬件水平远远低于录取学校要求，一篇传统意义上的“好”PS大概率是无法让你取得录取的，那么这个时候可以选择剑走偏锋搏一搏。当然，剑走偏锋绝对不是无脑猎奇，我们来看看这篇PS值得学习的点：1. 虽然一半的篇幅写了别人，但这一半的篇幅写了好几个人，所以最后读完留下的印象是作者和他的朋友们，而不是一个特定的朋友，并未喧宾夺主；2. 迎合美国的主流价值观，比如通过一连串“Every day I am reminded that I am lucky”表明作者懂得感恩，通过最后一段乐队的事体现作者的领导力和团队精神。

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