拒绝的艺术——到底怎么说“不”？
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老桑说
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「 朋友，你好，我是老桑。」
你是否被迫做过一些你并不想做的事情？来自同龄人的压力让我们被迫做出行动而适应环境，不一样的是，在这种情况下我们通常会感到有压力，因为不想让对方不满意。我们想说不，但最后我们却点头了，后来又因自己不够坚定而气恼。
你的同事可能会拉你和他们一起吃午饭，但你只想吃外卖，这样就能及时完成一个手头的项目。有些朋友可能会邀请你去一个喧闹的酒吧，而你更喜欢在咖啡馆和他们安静地交谈。外地过来的acquaintance（熟人）可能想在你的公寓里呆一会，即使你们并不是那么亲密的朋友。
这些邀请或一些过分的请求无时无刻不存在于我们身边。在微信上，我经常收到好友的消息：“桑老师，你在吗？”或者是“老桑，能帮我个忙吗”？却没有其他具体的信息。我心里清楚这些消息其实是某种请求的前兆。
有时候，人们会为将来寻求帮助而打基础。有时我会收到这样一条信息：“我以后可能还要多麻烦你，感谢你的帮助！”这类开放式请求可能会让人焦虑，因为你不知道会有什么样的请求，也不知道它们何时会出现。
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亿万magnate（富翁）沃伦•巴菲特（Warren Buffett）有一句名言：“成功人士和真正成功人士的区别在于，真正成功的人几乎总是在说不。”这并不意味着巴菲特是一个不关心他人的人，实际上他是一位受人尊敬的慈善家。他是一个冷静的考虑者，时刻专注于能让他效率最高的事。
Warren Buffett
畅销成功学书的作者兼企业家赛斯·戈丁（Seth Godin）说：“仅仅因为无法忍受拒绝别人的尴尬就答应别人并不会帮助你完成工作。”他写道，如果你有天赋，人们会想从你这里得到更多，但他建议对许多强加在你身上的事情说不。这“为你提供了对重要机会说‘是’的资本”。
Seth Godin
如果同事们让沃伦•巴菲特去吃午饭，但他不想去，他会说不。如果有人给他介绍了一个他不想接受的项目，他会说不。如果有人邀请赛斯•戈丁参加一个他不想参加的社交活动，他会说不。他们专注于重要的事情，拒绝了很多其他消耗注意力的事。
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拒绝通常很难，因为我们不想通过拒绝别人而让他人感到糟糕。说“不”可能显得咄咄逼人，就像你完全否定了这个人一样。当你让别人失望时，你可能会感到内疚。或者，你害怕对方会生气，在你背后说你不关心别人或者不乐于助人。与其处理这种不舒服，你可以说是。
我们也可能会习惯性地表示同意。在成长过程中，当我们的父母要求我们做一些事情时，我们被教导说“是”，然后再做。如果你想交朋友，你必须对他们的邀请说是。如果你想在工作中取得成功，你必须说“是”，这样你才能成为一名团队成员，赢得你老板的欣赏，扩大你的技能库。有时你必须说“是”。
然而，有很多时候你可以说不，并且有很多方法可以courteously（礼貌地）做到这一点。这样，在保护自己的时间和优先权的同时，你表现出对他人的尊重。所以，如果有人想让你做点什么，下面是推荐的一些让对方少一点失落的五种方法：
Start with a compliment
在很多情况下，别人请你帮忙是因为他们尊重你，这时请感谢他们的尊重。如果他们邀请你参加婚礼或生日聚会，请祝贺他们。如果你被请求在某个委员会任职，请首先承认委员会正在做重要的工作，让对方知道你在考虑他们的请求时是真诚的。
例如，我经常被邀请在会议上发言。事实上，我喜欢在会议上发言，因为交流想法和结识新朋友是一件thrilling（令人兴奋的事）。问题是，我有一份全职工作，不允许我一直参加活动并发言！结果就是我不得不拒绝大多数的机会，一般我会先说，“这看起来是一个很棒的会议。”
02给出你的回复
Give your answer
我永远不会马上脱口而出说“不”，因为那样会让对方感到不舒服。通常我至少会考虑一下这个要求。不过，我会缓一缓，当然是在一天之内，给出答复。让别人等待是不礼貌的，迟迟不回复也让人焦虑。
在回答时，尽量少说。在适当的情况下，提供一个简短的解释，但不要拐弯抹角，也不要给出站不住脚的借口，这只为其他人提供了一个继续询问的机会。如果你说，“我现在很忙，”另一个人可能会说，“好吧，那下周怎么样？”
“你们的话应当是：是就说是，非就说非。”——玛窦福音5:37
当我被邀请参加一个会议时，我经常说，“我很想参加，但我真的在忙着写一份年度报告，而且不能脱身。”如果会议是在将来举行的，我会解释在那个时候我的安排，例如：“不幸的是，会议正好赶上毕业季，我一年中最忙的时候。”
Say thank you
这不需要太多的解释，因为礼貌和善良总是对的。不管我是否能参加，我都会感谢邀请我参加活动。“非常感谢你的邀请”或“谢谢你想到我”总是很有用。
04表达鼓励
Encourage the person
送出你对活动成功的美好祝愿。当然，他们会对你不参加感到失望，但当你不能或不愿意参加时，很可能会有其他人参加。
拿我自己来说，我一般会说，“我知道你将举办一个很棒的会议。祝活动圆满成功！“
05转移话题或结束对话
Change the subject or say goodbye
当我们对某事感到紧张时，我们往往会不停地说话。一旦你已经完成了相应的论述，就可以去用邀请或请求的口吻来结束陈词。如果是在面对面的会议上，也可以谈点别的或者结束谈话。如果通过短信或电子邮件彼此联系，那么可以写上一句“保重”或“保持联系”。这可以帮助你在类似的情形中圆满的结束对话。
当有人间接地问你一些事情，比如在微信问“能帮个忙吗？”，我会先问他们需要什么帮助，在给出答复之前礼貌地倾听。如果有人说将来会寻求帮助，我不会直接答应或者拒绝，而是说，“让我们保持联系。”当被请求帮助时，我会思考这五个步骤。
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奥普拉·温弗里（Oprah Winfrey）是美国媒体主管和脱口秀主持人，净资产超过20亿美元。现在60多岁的她承认，直到40岁她才学会拒绝别人。她说她得了“取悦他人的病”：当她想要说“不”的时候，她经常说“是”。现在，她说如果不是100%的“是”，答案就是“不”。
“我再也不会为任何我心中不是那么在意的人做任何事。也不会参加会议、打电话、写信、sponsor（赞助）或参与任何我无论如何都不会说 ‘是’的活动。我将以真实的自我来行事。”
我的朋友，我们可能比自己的真实想法更频繁地说“是”，因为我们都想避免冲突。当你真诚而礼貌地拒绝时，别人可能会失望，但他们肯定会尊重你和你的回答。这可能不是一个双赢的局面，但至少没有人输。
本文部分图片来源网络。
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英文版
English
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How to say no
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「 Hello, my friend！
I'm John Smagula. 」
Have you ever agreed to do something that you really didn’t want to do? Unlike peer pressure, where you feel forced to do something to fit in, we often feel pressured to agree to things so the other person doesn’t feel bad. We want to say no, but we end up saying yes, becoming mad at ourselves for not being more firm.
Your coworkers may invite you to join them for lunch, but you really want to get take-out so you can finish up a project. Some friends may invite you to a loud bar, when you’d prefer a quiet conversation at a café with them. An out-of-town acquaintance may ask to stay with you in your apartment when visiting your town, even if you’re not close friends.
These kinds of invitations and impositions come at us from all angles. On WeChat, I often get short messages from acquaintances, saying things like “Are you there?” or “Can you help me with something?” without volunteering more information. I know that these messages are a lead-up for some sort of request.
Other times, people lay the ground work to ask you for help in the future. From time to time I’ll get a message like, “I may be bothering you in the future with questions or to ask for advice. Thanks in advance for being helpful!” These kinds of open-ended requests can be stressful, as you have no idea what kind of inquiries they have in mind or when they will appear.
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Billionaire magnate Warren Buffett famously said, “The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.” This does not mean that Buffett is an uncaring person, as he is a well-respected philanthropist. He is a ruthless prioritizer and focuses on where he thinks his efforts are best placed.
Bestselling success author and entrepreneur Seth Godin said, “Just saying yes because you can’t bear the short-term pain of saying no is not going to help you do the work.” He writes that people will want more of you if you have talent, but he advises saying no to many who impose on you. This “gives you the resources to say yes to important opportunities.”
Seth Godin
If colleagues asked Warren Buffett to go to lunch but he didn’t want to, he’d say no. If someone presented him with a project that he didn’t want to accept, he’d say no. If someone invited Seth Godin to a social event he didn’t want to attend, he’d say no. They are focused on other things and reject the many loud requests that compete for their attention.
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It is hard to say no because we feel bad turning people down. To say no may appear aggressive, like you're rejecting the other person. You may feel guilty when you let other people down. Or, you are afraid that the other person will get angry or talk behind your back, saying that you are uncaring or unhelpful. Rather than deal with this discomfort, you may simply say yes.
We're also programmed to say yes. Growing up, when our parents asked us to do something, we were taught to say yes and then do it. If you want to make friends, you have to say yes to their invitations. If you want to succeed at work, you have to say yes so you can be a team player, please your boss, and expand your skill set. There are times when you must say yes.
Yet there are many times you can say no, and there are ways to do so courteously. This way, you demonstrate respect for the other person while protecting your own time and priorities. So, if someone wants you to do something, here’s a five-step formula to gently let them down:
Start with a compliment
In many situations, the person is asking you for something because they respect you. Acknowledge them for it. If they are inviting you to a wedding or birthday party, congratulate them. If you are asked to serve on a committee, acknowledge that the committee is doing important work. Let the other person know that you are sincere in considering their request.
For example, I am frequently invited to speak at conferences. In fact, I love to speak at conferences, as it’s a thrill to exchange ideas and meet new people. The problem is, I have a full-time job that doesn’t allow me to speak all the time! As a result, I have to turn down most opportunities, and I will start by saying, “This looks to be a great conference.”
Give your answer
I will never blurt out a “no” right away, as that could make the other person uncomfortable. I will at least give the request some thought. But after a pause, and certainly within a day, I will give a reply. It can be rude to keep people waiting, and it’s also stressful to procrastinate in delivering uncomfortable news.
In responding, say as little as possible. Provide a brief explanation if appropriate, but don’t beat around the bush or offer weak excuses. This only provides an opening for the other person to keep asking or look for some other opportunity to make the ask. If you say, “I’m busy right now,” the other person may say, “OK, well, how about next week?”
”Let your ‘Yes’ mean ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No’ mean ‘No.’” Matthew 5:37
In my case, when invited to a conference, I often say, “I would love to attend, but I’m really busy working on an annual report and can’t break away.” If the conference is in the future, I’ll predict how my current priorities will play out at the time of the event, such as: “Unfortunately, the conference falls close to graduation, which is one of my busiest times.”
Say thank you
This doesn’t need much explanation, as good manners and kindness are always in fashion. I will always thank someone for inviting me to an event, regardless of whether I can attend. “Thank you so much for the invitation” or “thank you for thinking of me” can go a long way.
Encourage the person
Send the person your well wishes for a successful event. Of course, they will be disappointed that you won’t be attending, but in the end, there will likely be other people who will participate when you are unable or unwilling to.
In my conference invitation example, I’ll say, “I know you’ll pull together a great conference. Best wishes for a successful event!”
Change the subject or say goodbye
When we’re nervous about something, we tend to keep talking. Once you have gone through this formula, bring the conversation about the invitation or request to a close. If in a face-to-face meeting, talk about something else or end the conversation. If by text message or email, say “take care” or “keep in touch.” This allows you to excuse yourself from the situation.
When someone indirectly asks you for something, like the WeChat message, “Can you help me with something?”, I first ask what they want. I give them the courtesy of listeningbefore giving a reply. If someone suggests they will ask for help in the future, I don’t say yes or no, but rather, “Let’s stay in contact.” When the request comes, I go through these five steps.
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Oprah Winfrey is an American media executive and talk show hostess, with a net worth of over $2 billion. Now in her 60s, she confessed that she didn’t learn how to say no to others until she was 40 years old. She said she had the “disease to please.” She often said yes when she really meant no. Now, she says if it’s not a 100% resounding yes, the answer is no.
Oprah Winfrey
“Never again will I do anything for anyone that I do not feel directly from my heart. I will not attend a meeting, make a phone call, write a letter, sponsor or participate in any activity in which every fiber of my being does not resound yes. I will act with the intent to be true to myself.” –Oprah Winfrey
My friend, we may say yes more often than we’d like, as we all want to avoid confrontation. When you say no sincerely and courteously, others may be disappointed, but they will certainly respect you and your answer. It may not be a win-win situation, but at least nobody loses.
{ 今日英文速记卡 }
1.Acquaintance
\ ə-ˈkwān-tᵊn(t)s \
a)含义：n. 熟人；泛泛之交
b)例句：
i.An out-of-town acquaintance may ask to stay with you in your apartment when visiting your town, even if you’re not close friends.
外地的熟人也可能想在你的公寓里呆一会，即使你们并不是那么亲密的朋友。
ii.He's just a business acquaintance.
他只是业务上认识的人。
c)近义词：connection, contact, friend
2.Magnate \ ˈmag-ˌnāt \
d)含义：n. 巨头；富豪
e)例句：
i.Billionaire magnate Warren Buffett famously said, “The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.”
亿万富翁沃伦•巴菲特（Warren Buffett）有一句名言：“成功人士和真正成功人士的区别在于，真正成功的人几乎总是在说不。”
ii.The newspaper was owned by a famous publishing magnate.
这家报纸为一位著名的出版业巨头所有。
f)近义词：baron, mogul, tycoon
3. Courteous \ ˈkər-tē-əs \
a)含义：adj. 彬彬有礼的；客气的
b)例句：
i.Yet there are many times you can say no, and there are ways to do so courteously.
然而，有很多时候你可以说不，有很多方法可以礼貌地做到这一点。
ii.He was a kind and courteous man.
他为人友善，而且彬彬有礼。
c)近义词：civil, gracious, polite
4. Thrill \ ˈthril \
a)含义：n. 令人兴奋的经历
b)例句：
i.In fact, I love to speak at conferences, as it’s a thrill to exchange ideas and meet new people.
事实上，我喜欢在会议上发言，因为交流想法和结识新朋友是一件令人兴奋的事。
ii.She gets an obvious thrill out of performing.
她显然从表演中得到一种兴奋感。
c)近义词：bang, charge, rush
5. Sponsor \ ˈspän(t)-sər \
a)含义：v. 赞助
b)例句：
i.I will not attend a meeting, make a phone call, write a letter, sponsor or participate in any activity in which every fiber of my being does not resound yes.
也不会参加会议、打电话、写信、赞助或参与任何我无论如何都不会说 ‘是’的活动。
ii.We would like to sponsor the event, please contact us directly.
我们有意赞助此次展会，烦请直接联络我们！
c)近义词：back, support, underwrite
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See you next time.
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