狄兰·托马斯《特别是当十月的风》

Especially When the October Wind 

Dylan Thomas 

Especially when the October wind 

With frosty fingers punishes my hair, 

Caught by the crabbing sun I walk on fire 

And cast a shadow crab upon the land, 

By the sea’s side, hearing the noise of birds, 

Hearing the raven cough in winter sticks, 

My busy heart who shudders as she talks 

Sheds the syllabic blood and drains her words. 

Shut, too, in a tower of words, I mark 

On the horizon walking like the trees 

The wordy shapes of women, and the rows 

Of the star-gestured children in the park. 

Some let me make you of the vowelled beeches, 

Some of the oaken voices, from the roots 

Of many a thorny shire tell you notes, 

Some let me make you of the water’s speeches. 

Behind a pot of ferns the wagging clock 

Tells me the hour’s word, the neural meaning 

Flies on the shafted disk, declaims the morning 

And tells the windy weather in the cock. 

Some let me make you of the meadow’s signs; 

The signal grass that tells me all I know 

Breaks with the wormy winter through the eye. 

Some let me tell you of the raven’s sins. 

Especially when the October wind 

(Some let me make you of autumnal spells, 

The spider-tongued, and the loud hill of Wales) 

With fists of turnips punishes the land, 

Some let me make you of the heartless words. 

The heart is drained that, spelling in the scurry 

Of chemic blood, warned of the coming fury. 

相比之下，就这首诗而言，王 烨、水 琴的译本要比海岸等人的译本好多了，至少它在汉语中寻找一种相应的节奏感。而海 岸等人的译本的出现比前者晚了十三年(以出版日期为准)，本应后来居上，结果却相反，拖泥带水，几乎完全没有节奏意识。我不太相信海 岸等的译本没有参考王 烨、水 琴的译本，因为它重复了同样的错误。比如，其中最重大的错误是第二段第五行：有人让我制作你，用发元音的山毛榉(王 烨、水 琴译)，而海 岸等的译本完全照搬，无一字改动。这句的原文是some let make you of vowe lledbeeches，应该译作某些词让我用元音的山毛榉造就你。在这里some指的是这段开端的词语之塔(tower of words)，不能译成某些人(some-body)，由于这一关键处的不求甚解，导致了后面一系列错误，造成结构性的硬伤。还有第三段第三行：盘旋于带轴的圆盘上(王 烨、水 琴译)，盘旋于茎杆的花盘(海 岸等译)，原文是Flies on the shafted disc，shafted disc，直译为杆上的圆盘，其实是钟摆的一种诗意的说法而已。再就是结尾处：心被挤干，在循环、奔突的血液中／憩息，预言狂暴将降临。／在海边听到黑色元音的鸟群(王 烨、水 琴译)心已耗尽，流失一股奔突的热血，／预警狂暴即刻来临。／站在海边，倾听鸟群呜叫黑色的元音。原文是The heart isdrained that，spelling in thescurry／Of chemic blood，warned of the coming fury．／By the sea’s side hearthe dark／vowelled birds，我译作：心在耗干，用化学之血／疾行中拼写，警告将临的狂怒。／在海边听见那黑色元音的鸟群。不知道为什么在上述两种译本中完全忽略了原文中的关键词，诸如：疾行中拼写(spelling in scurry)和化学之血(chemic blood)，而任意自由发挥。海 岸等的译本中，把最后一句听见那黑色元音的鸟群颠倒成倾听鸟群呜叫黑色的元音，意思就全拧了。由于篇幅所限，不一一列举。 

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