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又到一年的大学毕业季！今年奥巴马、库克、汤姆汉克斯、奥普拉等众多名流将为在家保持社交距离的2020届毕业生们进行网上毕业典礼致辞！
这不，美国著名脱口秀主持人崔娃（Trevor）也凑个热闹，携 《每日秀》的成员们为大家送上了一份大实话版“励志”演讲，“你以为你的理想因为新冠而无法实现了吗？其实，跟你讲，有没有新冠，毕业的人一般都实现不了理想。”“你以为这次的灾难就是你人生最大的坎儿吗？其实不是，你的人生还在继续，未来还有很多这样的灾难将来临。”“大部分人只是做着自己并不讨厌的工作，直到退休。”
好啦，现在让我们一起来听一下这个“史上最真实的”毕业典礼演讲吧：
Well, class of 2020, here we are. -Here we are. -Here we are. -At home. I'm stuck in a hotel room in Bulgaria. And I know this wasn't the graduation you were expecting. You thought you'd be with your fellow graduates on the campus lawn, hungover from the night before, trying to figure out how to break up with your boyfriend who wants to follow you to the big city. But instead, we're meeting on Zoom and judging everyone's living room furniture. And I know some of you are worried that this pandemic might stop you from reaching your dreams. But I want you to know that even without this pandemic, nobody reaches their dreams. Nobody. Most people just end up doing a job they don't hate until they retire. It's just life. You think my dream was to work on this show? I wanted to be an astronaut. I wanted to be a dancer. I wanted to be a dinosaur. I wanted to not live in a hotel room in Bulgaria. The concierge is a horse. And the fact is the story of your life is still being written. This is just one chapter in your life, a life that will no doubt be filled with many other pandemics. But remember, you have so much to look forward to, like the year 2025. I think this shit will have died down by then. And once this is all over, your class will make a huge difference in the world. Statistically speaking, ten percent of you will go on to lead companies. The rest of you will probably murder someone. So, great things await you. Until then, use this time to travel. Go on an adventure to, like, I don't know, the other side of the hotel room. Explore the really far corners of your backyard. I heard somebody's buried there? Visit the attic of your house. Find your mom's old journal that says that your dad wasn't her first choice but she decided to settle for him anyway because eye doctors make great money and that she would learn to love his nipple hair. And as you go out into the world, remember all the people who touched you along the way. Because those are probably the assholes spreading this virus. Why are they going around touching everybody? Let me tell you something. If you try to touch me, I'm gonna. As you move forward in life, the most important piece of advice I can give you is this. You are much stronger than you think, just like that off-brand toilet paper you found on the dark web. -Good luck. -Good luck. -Good luck. -Good luck. -Good luck. Help me get out of this hotel. For real, call the embassy. 病毒入宫
Usually, when we talk about coronavirus, we focus on the lives lost, the economy, and jobs. But the truth is this pandemic is changing our world in a million different ways, and one of those ways is how higher education is functioning. And we're gonna learn all about that in our new segment College in the Time of Corona. In normal times, college is one of the greatest periods in a young person's life. You make your closest friends. You soak up exciting new ideas. You have your athletic abilities financially exploited. But all that changed this year when COVID-19 hit and campuses across the country shut down like this. The sudden closure of college campuses across the country over the coronavirus sent millions of students home early. These students barely had any time to pack up their things and leave. A lot of folks said that they had to leave their belongings on campus. I got a call on Sunday sort of saying, like, it's time to go. So I didn't really have time to say goodbye to anyone. WOMAN: We didn't have any boxes. We were throwing things in garbage bags and trying to drag them down the hall. Man. That has got to suck so much. Can you imagine? One minute, you're in school, and, the next thing, your stuff is in trash bags and you're on the street. Which is pretty rough. I mean, the last person who had to leave college that quickly was Aunt Becky's daughter. Having your university shut down instantly is not a normal thing. I mean, except at Trump University. "Okay, class, uh, today, we're gonna be learning -"about business finance. - "And the most important thing you want to... Oh, shit, it's the cops. We got to go, we got to go!" But even though students are no longer at school, they're still supposed to be going to class. And students are quickly being confronted with the reality that online learning is a little different than the real thing. REPORTER: College classes that once looked like this now look like this. Students say they miss interacting with professors, and campus resources, such as libraries and study groups, are gone. REPORTER 2: Students claim online instruction is far below the classroom experience. They suck. Literally, they suck. We're now, um, obligated to spend about half of our day, uh, Zooming our teachers. WOMAN: If you're in, like, a 200-person lecture and, like, one person forgets to mute themself, then it-- that's just, like, chaos. REPORTER: Some even getting Zoom-bombed-- in this class, by a clown. During a remote learning class, a University of Miami instructor shared his screen with his students. The main page had that-that day's lessons, but some eagle-eyed students spotted the words "Busty college girl" at the top of his screen. Yeah, during a college Zoom lecture, uh, the students noticed that their lecturer, who was sharing his screen, had a tab open for "Busty college girl," and that is so embarrassing. I mean, who still uses the word "busty"? What, are you searching for porn in the 1920s? "Looking for busty flapper gals!" Now, to be fair, to be fair, we might not know the whole story, right? Because tabs get cut off all the time on a computer. Yeah. Maybe that browsing tab says "Busty college girl," but then, when you see the full website name, it's actually "How to respect and act appropriately around busty college girls." We don't know. We know. But, yeah, students are quickly learning that online college is just not as good as the real thing. It's kind of like how online gambling is not like the real thing. I mean, yeah, you can lose your money, but if someone's not there to break your legs, then what's the point? And here's the other thing about online classes. Even if they go well, classes are not the only important thing about going to college. Students and families pay huge tuitions because they want the entire college experience. And now that they're not getting it, they want some of that money back. REPORTER: Protestors are taking aim at colleges and universities. Students picketing schools, saying they're not getting what they paid for. REPORTER 2: They filed class action lawsuits demanding partial tuition refunds. One claims online learning is subpar in practically every aspect. I totally get why these college students want their money back. I mean, imagine paying for Yale but, instead, now you're getting University of Phoenix. It's like buying a ticket to see a movie starring Tom Cruise, and then you get there and they show one starring Ted Cruz. You got to refund my popcorn, at least. And it's so unfair that these students aren't gonna get their money back, when their professors are so rich that they can even afford elbow patches for their jackets. I mean, that's not fair. And why are they protecting their elbows anyway? They're not Rollerblading. So, right now, because of coronavirus, college has become much less appealing. And because enrollments have dropped so much for next year, colleges have gotten desperate, so desperate that they're willing to accept students that they never previously would have even considered, which means shit's gonna get really interesting next semester. "My son got into Harvard because he got perfect SAT scores." "Oh, my son got into Harvard from a Groupon." So now May is here, and this weird, unprecedented school year is coming to an end. And the good news is, while the Class of 2020 may not have gotten everything they might have wanted out of their final semester, they're still finding innovative ways to make graduation day as special as possible. REPORTER: Trent Johnson went to Ohio State University, but the school didn't hold commencement, so Johnson walked across his family's living room instead. REPORTER 2: One business school in Japan getting creative. The graduating students take a virtual walk across the stage to receive their diplomas as robot avatars. REPORTER 3: Students are holding their own graduation ceremonies on popular games like Animal Crossing. UC Berkeley's Class of 2020 is getting creative when it comes to celebrating their achievements. MAN: We are recreating the entire UC Berkeley campus in Minecraft to host a commencement ceremony. It's gonna be an open day for everyone to just explore campus, kind of relive their memories, take photos. MAN 2: I'm imagining just a entire campus-wide party. Bravo. These kids recreated their entire campus in a Minecraft video game? They did this just so that they could get together for one last hurrah. And, you know, this reminds me of when I spent a semester studying abroad in the Mushroom Kingdom. Young love. Je t'aime, Bowser. Je t'aime. Now, if you're not lucky enough to have gone to a school that's figured out how to throw a whole commencement inside a video game, you can still have a kick-ass graduation, because celebrities everywhere are getting together to do virtual commencement addresses for the entire Class of 2020. Like, Oprah is doing one with help from Simone Biles, Lil Nas X, and Miley Cyrus. President Obama-- he's giving one with LeBron James and Malala. Yeah. That's super cool. Although it's gonna be tricky to watch an Obama speech over Zoom because you'll never know if he's buffering or just pausing for effect. "And to all the young kids out there, uh, you got to, uh..." "Mom! You got to restart the router!" "...follow your dreams." "Never mind!" And I'm not gonna lie, man. These virtual commencement addresses, they seem like a really cool idea. So, we at The Daily Show, well, we thought we would share our own inspirational message for the Class of 2020.
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